Well I've cancelled my xanga premium now and I'm abandoning the other blog as well.  For those of you who read this and want the new blog, please e-mail me for the link.  Due to the "public" nature of this site, I am not comfortable posting my new link here.

No offense friends - just a precaution due to certain lurkers present.

WTF?

Yesterday Boytoy was walking down the stairs as we were getting ready to leave the house to drive up to DC...he tosses me something (I can't catch) and I end up fighting to get it off the floor from the dog. 

It's a little box...like the kind jewelry comes in... 

I quickly remember that a "surprise" came in the mail the other day and has since disappeared from sight.  I put 2 + 2 together.  I thought...

I hand it back and tell him I don't want it now...he should give it to me later.  He looks at me confused and laughs as he says, "open it...its not for you."  It's his USMC tie tack he wanted to show me.  But..

OW!  Who does that to his girl?

Most definitely hurt my feelings and my pride.
Stupid jewelry box... 

Rob Thomas = Good Music

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else

Can you swear to me that you’ll always be this way?
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

Well I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list

I don’t wanna be angry no more
You’re the one who could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore

Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh Ooooh
Now it’s hard for me
When my heart’s still on the mend
Open up to me
Like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me
And it’s harmony
Girl what you do to me is everything
Let me say anything just to get you back again
Why can’t we just try?

I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list

I don’t wanna be angry no more
You’re the one who could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely anymore

Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh Ooooh

What if I was good to you?

What if you were good to me?
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me?
What if it was paradise?
What if we were symphonies?
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you?

I don’t want to be lonely no more
I don’t want to have to pay for this
I don’t want another lover at my door
It’s just another heartache on my list

I don’t wanna be angry no more
You’re the one who could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me, know for sure
I don’t wanna be lonely any more

Ooooh Oooooh Oooooh Ooooh

I don’t wanna be lonely any more
I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna be lonely any more

-- I Don't Wanna Be Lonely No More

Saddness Just Changes...it never goes away

Growing up I was the fat kid that didn't fit in.  I didn't have many friends and I always got picked on.  It never got better.  In high school I had my little interests (athletic training/cadaver class) but I was teased and taunted a lot.  I still didn't really have any friends.  Dating was just out of the question.  All I ever wanted was to be liked.

I started dating but it never went right.  Long term relationships have ended horribly.  Short term relationships have left me completely messed up in the head.  All I ever wanted was to be the pretty girl that everyone loved.

Now I am the pretty girl (with my fat moments) and all I want is to be worth something more.  I look in the mirror daily to find another flaw.  With so much attention drawn to my appearance now - how will anyone see anything else?  And when it is gone - what will I have left?

I sat in the bottom of my shower today in a familiar haze of numbness - the kind where you don't know what time it is and you can't even really tell if the water hitting you is still warm - and asked myself what it was all for.

I didn't have an answer.

This Seems Appropriate This Week

Simple Plan - "Shut Up"

There you go
You're always so right
It's all a big show
It's all about you

You think you know
What everyone needs
You always take time
To criticize me

It seems like everyday
I make mistakes
I just can't get it right

It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

There you go
You never ask why
It's all a big lie
Whatever you do

You think you're special
But I know, and I know
And I know, and we know
That you're not

You're always there to point
Out my mistakes
And shove them in my face

It's like I'm the one
You love to hate
But not today

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down
Is gonna bring me down

Will never bring me down

Don't tell me who I should be
And don't try to tell me what's right for me
Don't tell me what I should do
I don't wanna waste my time
I'll watch you fade away

So shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up
Don't wanna hear it
Get out, get out, get out
Get out of my way
Step up, step up, step up
You'll never stop me
Nothing you say today
Is gonna bring me down

Bring me down

Won't bring me down

Bring me down

Won't bring me down

Shut up, shut up, shut up